I am always being forwarded "inspiration" pieces from friends of mine. Most notably Mike Andrle. I tend to be a do-it-yourself kind of guy, so self-help books rarely hold my interest. I'll admit that it is my own arrogance that figures "I can do this all by myself!" But this is not to say that there aren't both peers and genius that continue to inspire me.
One was a review of a conversation between both Martha Graham and Agnes deMille. Both were true visionaries, miles ahead of their era who burst more than enough glass ceilings. The story goes that deMille had opened doors of opportunity with her landmark staging of Oklahoma! - which redefined American Musical Theater. All this despite a legacy of such works as Rodeo that had failed to find approval. She found the instant fame "unexpected, flamboyant and bewildering." This sent her into a cycle of doubt - "I had a burning desire to be excellent, but no faith that I could be."
Graham responded back with this profound statement. “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is
translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you
in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will
never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world
will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.”
Because of both my Virgo tendencies and my perfection nature as an artist, I find myself with some of these very same conflicts. Granted on a much smaller scale than these two! But often torn between reinventing myself, staying true to myself; and knowing the fine line between the two. Moving forward to new work at this point in my age - some of the same old demons will naturally resurface. But I must remind myself to rely on my gut feeling and instinct which are genuine and have gotten me to where I am today. It's just a matter of trust with determination.
Most have heard by now that tomorrow is my last day working at YPC. Many mixed feelings and the type of "change" that breeds trepidation but will likely yield some freedom and new possibilities. I have been to numerous conferences and panels about the downward spiral of the nonprofit world and I have to say I feel the pain of it mightily. All these great arts organizations that planted seeds in the 70s and 80s are now hitting their mid-life crises and the path to success has been far less frequent than hoped.
This excellent article in the Atlantic by Jonathan Timm sums it up far better than I am able. It is called the Plight of the Overworked Nonprofit Employee. Just as in the 1%, there is a huge disparity gap between the arts organizations that have become "institutions" and the other 90% who run on grunt work, will power and a worker bee hive of employees. It also alludes to an ironic gap between the core values of these groups vs. the way their own staffs are treated. It then points to how this leads to bizarre and unproductive decisions. This will be my 2nd job that has left me with mixed feelings. It becomes about treading water than actually moving forward. And it is ALWAYS at the sacrifice of the very manpower that is at the front of said organization. One conference last year called it the Hunger Games of Non Profits.
Atlantic article
Give the article a read if you so desire. For me it is nothing that surprises or enlightens. Just that once you get OFF the merry-go-round and acclimate from the dizziness, your vision becomes a bit clearer with hindsight. I'm going to think very wisely before I jump back on board that ride.
